Navidad and Closure

I can't believe I already come home in two weeks. I remember telling myself when I was so nervous about leaving home and the states that Christmas would come before I knew it and I would be coming home. I didn't think it would be this fast though! I have so many mixed feelings about leaving, but still three weeks to balance them all out. I wonder if the simplicity of my life is something I will feel change when I return, how strange it will feel to speak the language I think in, and even how different the weather will be. I have learned so much being here, things that have changed me without me even being able to put them in words. I'm not sure if this will be the last time I will write before I see most all of you reading this, but in the next few weeks (and the ones leading up to now) things will be really busy. Goodbyes, hellos, family and everything that comes with the holidays has flying at me. We have the a Christmas tree up and all but it feels so much different than I am used to, looking out the window at a bright sunny day and putting on shorts singing, "Navidad, navidad para todo la felicidad!" I'm so blessed to be experiencing something so culturally traditional like the holiday season in somewhere where the culture is completely different. I remember when I first came to Costa Rica, I had a hard time speaking Spanish and accepting the culture as my own for the time being. Always I was comparing it to that of the United States and I remember feeling superior; I was from the country that had such a strong influence here, the place where you have to pay $100 just to apply for a Visa to go. I speak natively the language many struggle to learn in search of opprutunity. The more I adjusted to culture here, the more this feeling of superiority faded. Now it is all but gone. I've been through the struggles of communicating in a new language that is native to the people I felt better than while they waited patiently, learned the traditional types of food in their uniqueness, even down to how you greet someone with a kiss on the cheek. All these things I have learned and experienced I can hardly begin to list. All these things I also would have never experienced had God not torn down my wall of superiority. I came with intentions of learning and living but not necessarily changing myself, none the less falling in love with a different culture and its people and it becoming a part of me forever. The closer I come to leaving, the more realistic it's becoming that there is a whole new part of me, a language, a family and a culture. I have loved hearing stories from the elders here that founded the community and experiencing God in the silence of the rainforest, respecting greatly the idea Quakers believe that the light of God is in everyone. With a teacher of mine we have been discussing some about spirituality and how we define God and why. Every Wednesday we have an hour to do this kind of stuff before meeting and we have been writing spiritual autobiographies. Today we shared them and it's been so interesting to think about my relationship with God in relation to everyone elses and to think about where I got my faith. In the meeting room there is a sign that says "strength without dominance, gentleness without weakness, courage without arrogance, love without possessiveness". I love looking at this and thinking that this is what I want to be. I'm so thankful this Thanksgiving for all that has changed in my life and most of all in me. I have found such genuine joy here and in God that I feel I hadn't yet known. I would write more but the sun is setting a bright red out over the Nicoya gulf and since dusk doesn't exist here, I have to head home as to not walk in the dark :)

Hopefully I'll be able to blog a few more times before I come home, but if not I am looking forward so much to seeing you all again!

Con mucho amor y esperanzas que ustedes son buenos.

Pura vida <3

Emma

P.S.

Spanish 2 class at OCS...Did you get the letters I sent?

Fear Not

"Fear not." Fear not is a promise we have heard our whole lives.
It was whispered, "Don't worry, you'll be fine" when you scratched your knee for the first time. Or when you cried at birth and
someone who loved you was right there to comfort you. It's one of the main thing
God tells us too. "Fear not of me." "Fear not for I am with you." "Fear not by learning about this perfect love I taught you."
So why do we fear?
Why do we hold back from our own emotions, the truth we know, and the dreams we have?
Fear consumes us on a daily basis whether we regonize it or not. I decided not to come here to Costa Rica, and only ended up
here a week later after asking myself the question "Why not?". Fear. I went through a phase in sixth grade where I reallyy wanted to be
good at soccer. I remember practicing almost every day and then one day when watching Maddy's soccer game, I gave up my
trying because I saw how hard it would be to be the best. Why? Fear.
It's not fear of failure alone that holds us back. It is often the comfort of our lifes, our routines, the things
that we know hold us back from stepping out without fear. Every day is a new challenge to fear not, to brave not only this new
culture, but also myself and the fear I am prone to. Last weekend, I woke up and felt so overjoyed to be sitting in my bed in my pajamas.
After a long week I deserved it. I looked outside at the brillantly sunny day and considered walking up to the rainforest reserve
but rejected my idea, thinking again how nice it was to just be sitting here. This is when I caught myself, in the midst
of a gentle fear pulling me away from experiencing all I could be doing. I got out of bed, putting all my strength in God because
I could not find it in myself and put on my sneakers to go hiking. The strength I found seemed a result of overcoming that fear
and sharing with God an experience where I could only depend on Him because I was so outside of myself. And wow. Lifechanging
it was to be up in the reserve looking at white faced monkies and avoiding stepping on tarantulas. Jesus is waiting
to walk with us right outside our comfort zones with His promise, "Fear not" to show us spectacular things.